Last Night’s Recurring Dream

Last Night’s Recurring Dream Last night was another variation of the recurring dream. I’m somewhere between the age of sixteen and thirty-one and I am in my mother’s house at that time though I don’t recall that it is ever exactly like that house. I’m there to settle an argument between mother and my younger brother, or tend him, or look for him. All of it is always fruitless, lonely, and dark.

I am surprised at the number of variations on that simple theme I have lived through in my sleeping head. At the end as I am waking, there is always a vaporing trail of failure. It is a painfully clear rehashing of my feelings of failure over not being able to save my brother from taking his own life years ago. Simple as that and written deeply into me.

I also know that whatever I did or didn’t do or imagine I could have, it may not have made any difference at all. It was his decision or destiny; both words are possible to use.

I like to think all the fallout from that horrible time made me a better person. I can point to signposts around the subjects of love, compassion, forgiveness; all those huge human subjects that dominate religion, world politics, families, you name it. I wrote about them in my memoir Blossoms of the Lower Branches, A Hero’s Journey Through Grief, as part of my apotheosis and boon. But how deep changes were burned into me I can only speculate. The abiding sorrow and guilt have never obscured the knowledge that I wasn’t unfeeling or cruel to either my mother or brother. Common family drama? Yes. Physical or purposely mental deprivations? No.

The dreams are expected to continue the rest of my life. I neither invite nor know how to avoid them. Generally I’m able to shrug them off in the morning light and remember the happiness and peace I have in my life. I do use them as reminders that I need to be more responsive to people, especially those I love. Hasn’t always worked though. It’s easy to believe in the power of love, forgiveness and compassion and then turn around and blindly suppress their natural unfoldment in life. Usually due to protecting my little frail ego. Here’s a thought: Do I sometimes shortchange myself in incorporating love, forgiveness and compassion because of the very power I know they hold within them? Am I too often still afraid of their power?

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10 Responses to Last Night’s Recurring Dream

  1. Re-curring dreams are toughies. Does every-one have them? I know they’re pointers to a deeper truth, but I never seem to get the message!

  2. I understand exactly what you’re saying. And occasionally I’ve gotten the message and didn’t like it!

  3. Md. Alsanda says:

    Thank you for stopping by.

  4. Another post I find honest and intriguing. *Also glad I found someone I connect with. I too mostly deal with my suppression in dreams. Dream analysis Is a tricky subject with me. I believe In it, Of course a conscious mind can be so unrelenting with what we allow our-self to healthily break down/analyse during the sunlight hours… and we must face that ever present social judgement “To get off the pity pot”. Subconsciously Impedes us whether known or not (At least this is what I’ve been told) The majority in the world now-a-days can be so set on personal, unbiased cruel judgment.
    They say the true path to guilt is to allow yourself your time to grieve selfishly. This hasn’t really helped me much in regards to night terrors and those weird hard to class “crazy pointless” dreams. And of course inner-conflict. But it does help sometimes to understanding them. They told me : Before you sleep at night, think of the dreams and day dream, break them down, and imagine each night the dream and what you can/could do. You are aware and not while sleeping. (Its helped some) I can pull a gun out in a dream now, I can actually stop them sometimes. And once even spoke. I know it doesn’t truly change anything. But i can get that good healthy rest most times.
    Happy writing.
    I would too love to add to this discussion as my post are sometimes about my past, and night terrors. I think this has given me inspiration, even more: Courage to touch base with some of my own experiences/dreams as I tend to be less giving of my past experiences on here. Its a building thing for me I guess. I truly thank you for your “giving-ness” *I will of course post your link address. along with anything pertaining my posts inspired by this.

    • Thank you for your note. It certainly sounds like you know what was between the lines of my blog. Dreams can be really tough, but I do think looking at them leaks much of their power. There are sadnesses in life that never go away, but there are joys that stay with us as well. Going through grief and trauma is never, never easy. It was so upsetting in my life that I did end of writing “Blossoms of the Lower Branches, A Hero’s Journey Through Grief.” It does help to write.

  5. catwoods says:

    Dreams have a way of bringing the unsettling aspects of our waking life to light. There is good and bad in that. I’m sorry to hear of the tragic events that have shaped your life.

    Thank you for commenting on my blog and allowing me to follow you home. You’ve got a beautiful place here filled with insight and warmth.

    Hugs and take care.

  6. SuperkatWins says:

    Powerful and personal thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

  7. You’re welcome and I’ve enjoyed visiting your blog.

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